The Scarlet Letters: Too Much Pegging and STD OCD
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Dear Scarlets,
My girlfriend and I recently got into pegging. It was my idea and she was a bit reluctant, but she’s a good sport and sexually curious so we forged ahead.
I liked it. I like it. I want it in our repertoire. But not EVERY time. My girlfriend, on the other hand, LOVES it and can hardly wait to strap it on and give it to me. We’ve always had a robust sex life, but now she initiates sex seven days a week.
I go along with the caveat that we do something else after the pegging, and she always agrees. Here’s the thing. I like pegging enough to “finish” every time -- and so does she. Afterward we’re both exhausted so she never has to come through on her end of the deal.
Not only is my butt sore, my ego is bruised. Obviously she likes pegging me much better than she likes anything else we do. A few times I have alluded to discomfort and her response has been laughter and something along the lines of now I know what it’s like to be repeatedly penetrated.
I hesitate to have a frank conversation about this because it was, after all, my idea and I don’t want to put her off it entirely.
Have I created a monster? Has this become a fetish? And am I bisexual because I can’t help but have an orgasm when I’m anally stimulated?
(Sorry I threw that last one in like that, but I’m confused about it.)
Signed,
Pegged
Dear Pegged,
It sounds like you have a mostly very healthy sex life, and we're very happy that you and your girlfriend have found something that gets you both off. Well done!
That being said, it's very concerning that you admitted to discomfort during sex and your girlfriend has laughed and written it off. If we heard of a man doing that to a woman, we'd lock him up.
Sex is fun and an amazing physical outlet, but it's also a very vulnerable act where mutual respect is of the utmost importance.
So the next time you tell your girlfriend that you're uncomfortable and she laughs it off, make sure you have her full attention and she knows you're not kidding when you say, You're hurting me. And in my bed with the person I love isn't really an appropriate place to be hurt, unless I've specifically asked for it.
You're not less of a man for saying that it hurts any more than you're bisexual for having an orgasm from anal stimulation. You, like a lot of men (and horses and cows and elephants), like your prostate stimulated, and you clearly like women to do it, so, yeah. Sounds like you're straight.
So our response is that you've created a little bit of a monster, but not one you can't conquer. You've created...like a miniature Godzilla or a human-sized Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
The thing is, you have just as much control over what happens in the bedroom as she does, so when she pulls out the strap-on and the dildo, simply say, "No, I don't think I'm in the mood for that tonight. How 'bout some good, old-fashioned fucking?,” or, “Looks like fun! But is there a way you could maybe ease up a little on the pounding? I’m not a piece of meat. Or a chicken breast. Or a piece of tempeh...I’m not any kind of food that needs to be flattened.”
Even though pegging seems like the only thing that works for her right now, she can adjust to something new just like she adjusted to the idea of vigorously fucking you. Hopefully, she's as flexible as you've been. If she's not, you've got a bigger problem than a sore ass.
Here's hoping tonight contains the exact kind of penetration you're looking for,
The Scarlets
Dear Scarlets,
I moved to Portland from Colorado last August, and started dating in the fall. I’ve seen a couple women that I’ve really liked, and I made out with them a couple times, but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with them.
This might sound weird, but everything I’ve seen about Portland makes me kinda scared of getting an STD. It’s all “alternative” and “experimental” and people seem really open-minded, and I am, too (really!)...but it’s just set off this creeping fear that seems to be growing with each new person that I meet.
I’ll get excited while we’re making out and the desire is there (no problem “getting it up,” initially), but as soon as the fear sets in, the desire is, um, diminished.
My girlfriend broke up with me a few months before I left Denver and I had a pretty hard time for a while, so I’d really love to get back on the horse, so to speak. Can you help me?
Signed,
Scared to Date
We sympathize with your fears. It’s difficult to function when you’re obsessed.
First, the bad news. A generation has grown up in a time when STDs, even the life-threatening ones, can be treated. This has lulled all of us -- not just younger people -- into a false sense of security about the possibility of disease transmission through sex. Condoms and dental dams aren’t the de rigueur boudoir accessories they once were.
That being said, if the last comparative numbers we can find from the Centers for Disease Control are correct, Oregon is lower than the US average in the STDs you’re probably worried about. Chlamydia is at 83% of the national average, Gonorrhea is 28% of the national average, Syphilis is 73% of the national average (although there are about 7.6 cases per 100K, so why are you even worried?) and those with HIV are at about half the national average.
We’re a little miffed, then, that you consider Portland such a festering pit of disease. You could just as easily have been infected in Colorado, if circumstances were right -- but we’ll forgive you. Portland is a bit risque. We like our sex sexy and we’re not ashamed of it, and we welcome you to the fleshpot.
But back to you. The good news is that if you take the necessary precautions by using condoms and dental dams during sex, your risk of infection with an STD is extremely low. In Oregon, the incidence of men getting HIV from heterosexual sex is 3.8% compared to the other ways to acquire it (intravenous drug use, anal sex, etc.), as opposed to 70.7% in women.
We’re sure you are aware of this. That you are still concerned shows us two possibilities: 1) you still haven’t gotten over your last girlfriend and you’re just looking for ways to not get hurt again or; 2) you have a bit of a phobia around this issue, and your intrusive thoughts about STDs in the heat of the moment tell us you may have developed a condition called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
OCD is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears that may lead to repetitive behaviors. Your fear of catching an STD in spite of precautions is not really valid -- but that doesn’t make it less real. It causes you to lose your erection, and that’s a big problem. That the problem grows with each new person you meet makes it imperative you deal with this now, before it gets bigger.
If you think your pain around your last breakup is causing you to shy away from new connections and this STD is just a way of convincing yourself that you’re not in pain, well, we invite you to embrace the pain and spend a weekend with some Ben Jerry’s and some uncontrolled sobbing. Actually, it may take a few months, but no need to rush it. You’ll date when you’re ready.
If you think you’re over your past girlfriend, we encourage you to seek treatment with a professional specializing in OCD. Do this as soon as possible. You can expect talk therapy, and your therapist may also recommend drug therapy. We promise it won’t hurt and it absolutely will help.
Your sex life is important to us and we’d like to see you maximize your potential.
With love,
The Scarlets
You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)
The Scarlets:
Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].
Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.
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