The Scarlet Letters: How to Provide Proper Lip Service

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Photo via Flickr

This week we’re featuring only one letter, because we felt it was a subject that warranted its own column. So, welcome to Cunnilingus Week on The Scarlet Letters! We’d love for this to be a conversation, so if you have any suggestions or differ with our opinions in any way, let us know by commenting on this article or writing us at [email protected]. (Don’t worry, fellatio enthusiasts...we’ll cover that next week!)

Lip Service

Dear Scarlets,

I want to be good at giving women head. I'm willing and enthusiastic but pretty sure I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I don't think I've ever given a woman an orgasm this way and I'd like to be able to provide the service. But it seems like a quagmire down there and I'm lost.

My current girlfriend has totally given up on it. She actually shooed me away the last time I tried.

Can I get a tutorial or something?

Thanks,

~Enthusiastic But Ineffectual

Dear Ebi,

Cunnilingus is all about paying attention. Communication is extremely important, but you’ve got your mouth full and she may not be used to giving direction, especially in this area. Lots of women are afraid of asking for what they want at the expense of being bossy = bitchy, and those offering the service are afraid of seeming like unromantic amateurs by asking her what she wants. You can see how things could go wrong.

If nobody wants to talk about it, you’ll have to use all your non-verbal communication skills. Pay attention to what she responds to, how she moves against you, what sounds she makes, how she breathes. If she gives you any direction at all, go with it. Tell her you like it when she tells you what she likes. If she gets in there herself to show you, try not to get defensive or feel defeated - express appreciation and delight.

Got it? Let’s begin.

Pre-planning: Think about logistics. It’s not that sexy, but neither is a mouthful of lube, condom flavor, vaginal contraception, or semen (unless you like it, then enjoy!). A bonus to starting your play with cunnilingus: everything else is better after she’s all hot and wet and ready.

For your pleasure: Find a position that is ergonomically friendly for you -- you may be in it for a minute. Or two. The best position will not bend your neck and back in a weird way and allow you to use your hands.

Where to begin: Circle around the clitoris without actually hitting it - the clitoris has over 6,000 nerve endings (compared to about 2,500 in your fingertip), and you'll find one partner's clitoris might be far more sensitive than another's. You want to sneak up on a clitoris, not go stampeding over it. For all its durability, the female anatomy is quite delicate.

Photo via frankboe.deviantart.com

How-to: Start slow and soft and lick like you’re lapping milk. (No pointy tongue!) If that doesn’t work, use more pressure — but never try a hard approach first. When soft and gentle are no longer enough, she’ll press herself against you or press your face to her. If you’re going to suck, suck gently. Anything that seems like it’s working can be continued for a few seconds -- if she wants you to keep doing something, you’ll know. You can keep varying for a while until you can tell she’s close.

Arousal signals: when a woman gets excited, the clitoris gets engorged and erect (sound familiar?), the labia swell up, and she gets wet. (Note: the degree of wetness varies GREATLY between women, so never assume lack of lubrication is a sign that they’re not aroused, but presence of lubrication is a definite yes!). She'll also start moving under you...go with that, and follow her labia's lead!

Fun add-on!: You’ll want to discover if she likes penetration with oral pleasure. Some do, some don’t. Maybe just circle the area a bit first to test out the response. If she wiggles away or moves toward your fingers, there’s your answer. “Put your fingers inside me” is also a definite sign that you should do it. Just FYI.

Advanced Technique - The “Come hither”: We once asked a particularly skilled past partner what he was doing down there, and he said his "finishing move" was "two fingers fluttering on the g-spot in a 'come hither' movement while my tongue works the clitoris." (Note: This. WORKED. Like, a LOT.) If a woman has a G-spot, it is located on the upper wall of the vagina (if a woman is facing up) somewhat deep in and behind the clitoris. Go spelunking! It’ll be fun!

Major Don’t: Do not try to penetrate her with your tongue unless she requests or in some other way lets you know she wants that. For most women, cunnilingus is all about the clitoris, and there are plenty of toys and appendages MUCH more suited to penetration than your (probably diminutive) tongue. Unless you're Gene Simmons. Which would be weird because we can't imagine him giving enough of a crap about his partner to read this column.

If it’s working, keep working it (™ Alcoholics Anonymous): If you sense that you've hit the spot and she’s getting close, JUST KEEP HITTING THE SPOT. Don't move on and try something else unless you sense that was a foothill instead of the summit.

Pack a lunch: This could take a while. This is real life, not a porno. If you get tired or crampy, you could use your fingers in place of your tongue or ask her to show you how to continue -- both of these strategies could buy you a break without losing any momentum or continuity. Of course, if she’s begging you not to stop or seems very close to orgasm, your fatigue and cricked neck be damned -- soldier on!

Unfinished business: If she doesn’t have an orgasm, don’t take it personally and don’t feel like the whole endeavor has been a failure or that you have failed. It’s not easy to make a woman come and you if you followed our instructions, you clearly gave it your all. Simply ask what she wants next and move on.

Post-orgasm: The clitoris is never more sensitive than right after orgasm, so retire your tongue immediately. It's probably cramping at that point anyway and will be relieved to be relieved.

Etiquette: When you’re done, wipe your face before kissing her. If she’s down with sloppy kisses she’ll let you know (50% of us find it sexy!), but it’s best to err on the side of caution.

Adding to your toolkit: If something works on her once, REMEMBER IT. It will probably work next time, too. However, this does NOT mean it will work on anybody else. Sorry.

We’ve just scratched the surface here, Ebi, and we encourage you to do more research. One of our past partners read the book She Comes First, and it was apparently very illuminating. Additionally, She Bop offers a class called Bon Appetit!: The Fine Art of Cunnlingus.

We’ll leave you with a piece of advice from our panel of experts:

"Every woman is different, so whatever you think you know or whatever you learned from the last partner, put that all out of your mind when you start going down on a new partner and just pay attention to how she feels, how she sounds. It's a dance."

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Ebi. We’re all snowflakes. Sexy, raunchy snowflakes that you catch on your tongue.

Good luck, and don’t forget to say grace,
The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.