Job Corner: 6 Strategies For Your Bully Boss

Monday, February 16, 2015

Lea McLeod, GoLocalPDX Careers Expert

Last week we talked about the reasons why managers become bullies. Mainly, that underlying the shouting, shaming and shrieking is a manager with deep-seated fears and insecurities about his or her performance.

A bully – or abrasive - manager can have a huge impact on your life, and not just your work life. Studies show the majority of bullied employees suffer from anxiety, loss of concentration, disrupted sleep, and stress-related headaches.

Those symptoms don’t stay at the office when you leave; they pervade your entire life. So if you’re going to stay where you are, you need action steps to mitigate this difficult situation. Here are 5 strategies for doing so.

1. Have a Plan to Deal

If your boss has established a pattern of going into tirades in certain situations, the beauty of it for you is, it’s predictable. If it’s predictable you can have a plan to prepare accordingly.

If you have a plan and know how you’ll respond, you are giving yourself an element of control in what might otherwise feel like an uncontrollable situation.

To create a plan, look at the behavior your boss exhibits, what triggers the kind of behavior, and what you might be able to do in response.

For example, if there’s a hastily called staff meeting every time quarterly results are published, and there’s always a rant about a disappointing outcome, you can probably expect the same behavior next time.

One of the strategies below can be part of your plan to endure, and respond.

2. Do the Opposite

One of the most effective postures you can assume when someone is emotionally out of control is to stay perfectly in control. Assume an icy calm, stay physically still, and simply look the person in the eye until the tirade concludes.

Remember that bullies feed on the fear and weakness of their victims, just like on the playground. The more you cower, the more power you give an aggressive manager.

Hold your ground, and when the yelling stops, simply say: “We’ll return to this conversation when you can speak in a calm and civil tone. “

When speaking, consider the sage advice of John Wayne, “Talk low, talk slow, and don’t talk too much.”

Never bring yourself down to the level of the bully and resort to the same tactics. Take the high road, stay professional. Remember, this is really about their issues, not yours.

3. Give Them Feedback That Hits Them Where They Live

As previously mentioned, most abrasive managers don’t perceive themselves as such. By bringing up how they are perceived, you may appeal to their need to be seen as competent in the role.

For example:

“Sharon, when you make threats to fire people it’s quite unmotivating for me, and others on the team; you risk losing good people. What’s another way we could address your concerns and still get a good result?“

“Gary, when you go off in a staff meeting like that, the new team members perceive you as incompetent. Is that really how you want to be thought of?”

4. Set Your Personal Boundary

As simple phrase that I learned as the parent of a young child works in so many situations. You can also use it for setting personal boundaries with aggressive managers.

The phrase is this: That is not okay with me.

With an abrasive manager, it can sound like this: “It is not okay to talk to me that way.” You can follow it with the aforementioned phrase: “We’ll return to this conversation when you can speak in a calm and civil tone. “

5. Ask Questions

Asking questions to find out what it will take to get your manager to release the control can mitigate Micromanaging.

For example, asking “Jason, I notice you constantly want an update on the Smith Project. What information can I provide that will assure you I’m on top of it, so that you aren’t continually distracted by checking on my progress?”

If you point out the micro-manager’s behavior, you can then being a conversation about how you will assure them you’ll get the job done in a way that meets their expectations.

Remember micro-managers fear failure through delegation. Their perception is that you won’t do it as well as they will, or the way they want and they’ll be perceived negatively as a result.

If you can work out a process to proactively reassure your manager, it may help diminish the over the shoulder panic.

6. Escalate or Move On

You may decide to approach HR, calmly and professionally, and cite the specific evidence – collected over time - that demonstrates not just isolated incidents, but clear patterns of abuse. If multiple people on the team present their evidence, your substantiation won’t appear retaliatory or discriminatory in nature.

Still, there’s no assurance HR or other management will take action to mediate the situation, discipline or coach the abrasive manager. At that point, you’ll need to decide whether to stay or move on.

The long-term impact of an abrasive manager who crushes your confidence and fills you with stress is detrimental to your personal health and well being. No job is worth that sacrifice.

Take what steps you can, and then at some point, you need to decide if what you gain from the job is worth the price you pay.

Lea McLeod helps people learn how to deal with challenging situations at work. Formerly a Director Level manager at Hewlett-Packard, she hired, fired and managed people around the world. Now, she helps individuals and teams figure create more productive dialogue to deal with difficult situations, get the right work done, and leave work on time. Get her free email series 21 Days to Peace At Work.

You can find her at LeaMcLeod.com. Follow her on Twitter and connect on LinkedIn.