The Scarlet Letters: Am I Getting a Fetish?

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week we respond to two readers who have engaged in some pretty racy stuff on whim...one wishes he remembered more, and one wishes she could forget. Questions, comments, sexy stories? Write us at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets –

I am a 24-year-old single guy and sometimes I feel pretty weirded out by the dating scene in Portland. There's a lot of Tinder swiping, a lot of shallow judgments.

Last winter I was at Digapony on one of the few frosty nights we got (Thanks GW!) when I met someone I am still thinking about. This is where it gets weird.

We met, we hit it off, and we walked around the neighborhood so we could talk. I found myself with a need to pee and ducked into a roped-off parking lot, out of sight of traffic, to relieve myself. My new friend surprised me by asking if she could watch. That seemed cool and I agreed. But as I unzipped, she REALLY surprised me by asking if she could hold it while I peed!! She proceeded to try to write her name on the frosty ground and seemed oddly at ease with the whole thing. Honestly, I was thrown for a loop and we parted ways with some vague "keeping in touch" promises.

It's been nearly a year and I think about this experience often. Am I weird? Is this a fetish in the making? Are there women who want to do this? WTF was that whole experience? I don't want to dwell on it but I can't get it out of my mind and of course I lost her number/name but her frank approach and sure handling....well....I want more. I'm not sure if the Mercury Valentine’s Day ads are the place for this ("You held my cock and I liked it") but I'm questioning a lot of things about myself on this one. What do I do?

Kissed Pisser

Dear KP –

You lost her name and number? Seriously? Oy.

To answer your questions in the order they were received:

Am I weird? No. Disorganized, sure, but not weird.

WTF was that whole experience? Judging by your report, it was FANTASTIC. Discovering a new sexual response in the sure hands of a willing partner is exciting. Add in the mystery of an almost-stranger and the sheer novelty of the situation and you have some enduring fantasy fodder.

Is this a fetish in the making? According to the Urban Dictionary, a fetish is “a sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object.” Peeing is a non-sexual act for most people, but surprising sexual for some. That you can’t get the experience out of your mind may indicate you are developing a bit of a fetish -- and that’s ok.

Are there women who want to do this? Yes, although some of them may not know it yet. Do you enjoy participating in sexual activities that are new to you, especially when they seem to please your partner? Your letter shows you do, and most people feel the same way.

What do I do? That depends. What component of the fantasy is crucial to your satisfaction? If it’s the lost-name-and-number woman, then posting in the Mercury personals and returning to the scene of your meeting are good ideas.

If the turn-on is about being a public place, that gets more complicated. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that Oregon does have Public Indecency laws, which this act falls smack dab in the middle of. If she was just holding your penis while you peed and a cop saw it, it would be classified as a Class A misdemeanor (possible jail sentences and fines up to $6K). If you guys actually did the deed in public because the peeing had teed off an inescapable desire, well...that could actually be a Class C felony (up to five years in prison and a fine up to $125,000). That definitely lessens the hotness, so let’s hope it’s more the act than the location.

If the turn-on is more about being held than it is about who’s holding you, think about how you will introduce the idea to potential partners.

Women aren’t biologically prepared for pee-writing. We have to borrow the equipment. Sometimes we’re shy about asking for stuff. Offer the opportunity.

Let her know how hot you find it. Her warm hands, the cold night air (maybe in your backyard, to avoid, y’know, jail?), the moves required for her loopy “t” and the heart over her “i” – yep.

Good luck in your en plein air exploits, but please don’t get a ticket for public urination. You’re only 24 so you may not know it, but that’s a thing, too.

Love,

The Scarlets

Dear Scarlets,

I’m in a really awkward spot.

One of my closest friends has been single for almost a year now, so I was really excited to learn that she’d met someone a couple months ago. She’d been nervous about introducing him to all of her friends because whether or not he “fits in” with us is a big deal to her.

She brought him to a party at my place last week and I recognized him immediately. He and I had a one-night stand about four years ago after a lot of really bad whiskey at a really good Neko Case show.

Our “meeting” at my party was a little weird and stalted, and I couldn’t tell if he remembered or not, but I definitely do. It was incredibly hot and I liked him a lot but he never called me.

Do I tell her? Do I bring it up with him? I’m fine with just letting it lie but I’m concerned he’ll remember later and tell her and then it’ll seem like I’m lying or hiding something. Am I overthinking it?

Signed,
Full of Whiskey and Regret

Dear W&R,

It’s amazing how many times whiskey and past desires put our present self in awkward positions.

Our guess is that at the very least, he remembered that he should remember you, but doesn’t remember from where. It’s probably nagging at him, like all our past mistakes do. (His mistake was not calling you after the hot sex….although you could’ve called him, right? What is this, a spicier-than-usual Jane Austen novel?)

You are in a difficult position, it’s true, but we believe the answer here is pretty simple: lie. Lie like a rug. Lie like a cat in a sunbeam. Lie like the lying liars that we all are for a small part of every day we’re alive.

We know we’ve talked about living with integrity in the past, and the importance of the truth and yadda yadda yadda, but we believe this is absolutely a case where the truth will not set you free, the truth will muck shit up in a way only a small, ultimately insignificant truth like this can.

Yes, you totally had sex with your friend’s boyfriend. That’s terrible. Well, it WOULD be terrible if it hadn’t happened four years ago, before anyone knew anyone. You did it when “Rolling in the Deep” and “Pumped Up Kicks” were new songs, before Ebola and missing planes. We were all younger then, Whiskey, and so much more naive. Who knew douchey reality stars could run for president and have a chance, or how much pain Kanye West has been in for all these years? It’s a different world now.

But seriously, let’s play this out. Your friend falls deeply in love with this guy, and they get married. Two years later, you’re at a dinner party at their house and he gets totally loaded on the very whiskey he had the night you met, and he remembers who you are. He blurts out, “OHMYGODYOU’RETHEONEFROMTHENEKOCASECONCERTI’MSOSORRY!”

And that’s where you’re going to pretend that you don’t remember him. This kills two birds with one stone: It keeps your friend from thinking you ever hid anything from her, and it makes him think YOU were the one who didn’t care enough to call, giving you a nice dose of retroactive revenge.

To be clear, we know lying is generally wrong, but again, this act was not a transgression on your part, and therefore doesn’t require a confession. A one-night stand at a Neko Case concert is about as unimpeachable a sex act as you can get, and the complication that would ensue from telling the truth about it is far worse than holding onto a little lie at cocktail parties for the rest of your life.

The hard part is going to be keeping yourself from telling your other friends. Because that? That is some juicy shit.

Just don’t get drunk again. Ever.

Good luck with that,

The Scarlets