Leather Storrs: 2015’s Biggest Restaurant Openings

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Leather Storrs, GoLocalPDX Contributor

For journalists, breaking a monster story is the Holy Grail. However, the decision to break big news can come at a great cost. Friendships can be destroyed, reputations ruined, presidents toppled. Chasing a Pulitzer can be lonely business, but the serious journalist answers to his readers and ultimately, the Truth. In this spirit I submit the following bittersweet bombshell.

Kurt Huffman, the mastermind behind the dynamic Chefstable empire, is an old friend of mine. As such, I am privy to some of his pending projects before most people. But Huffman is no dummy. With me, he keeps his cards close to the vest for several reasons: We’re competitors, he knows I get green and also, I’m a blabber mouth. 

Sometimes, though, he screws up. And last week, while detailing his car, I came upon his biggest gaffe yet. Crumpled under the front seat was a remarkable document- the line-up (possibly) of Chefstable projects for 2015.

I realize that divulging the content of this document will likely end our 30+ years of friendship, but I must make the hard decision to put truth and my commitment to you, the reader, ahead of my personal relationship. And so, with a heavy heart, I present 2015’s biggest openings.

“BRODOJO”- Italian and Japanese inspired broth based soups served in a working Dojo!

• Fresh noodles, stretched by instructors?
• Rice paper risotto?
• Throwing star dartboard?
• Logo ideas: Rising sun in the colors of the Italian flag; bowl, shattered by Karate kick

 

“Otter’s Sausagefest!”- Sleek, bearded men serve big beers and bratwurst while wearing (assless?) Lederhosen.

• Location, Location, Location! Clothing optional outdoor seating?
• Mario Gotze, World Cup star, to endorse/invest? Still bearded?
• Too butch?

 

“Salt and Schmaltz”- multi-faceted lifestyle collection aimed at Portland’s underserved Jewish community. Elegant, stand-alone strip mall. Must be West of Willamette! Four (or five) separate operators under one umbrella    

• “Salt and Schmaltz”(Anchor):Kosher bath salts and cooking slabs, chicken fat candles and soaps
• “Nagel’s Bagels”: New York style, boiled bagels served in a black, white and mauve gallery of    Patrick Nagel’s iconic masterpieces.
• Duran Duran plays at ribbon cutting? Nagel’s a Goy. Problem?
• “Bernard’s (Natural?) Malamute”: Kosher dog food and treats with a literary feel. Bonus! Oregon State Professor. Question: can beaver be kosher?
• “He Brews!”: Brewing supplies for the dedicated Jewish home brewer.
• Focus group: offensive name? How about “Maltz”?

 

“Mother Smothers”- Gravy driven, Cafeteria style buffet featuring 3 aproned matrons, each insisting/serving delicious gravies over everything.

• Negative or lovable stereotype? 
• Possibly powerful enough to be a stand-alone concept (removes stereotype concern…)
• Too Prison-y?

 

“Slaughter”-Karaoke butcher shop    

• Handsome, big-haired butchers in spandex and animal prints kill and clean various livestock behind a glass wall- the backdrop for hair-metal themed karaoke!
• celebrity tie-ins? Motley Crue Hot Links, Poison Pate, Cinderella Rillettes? White Snake?
• Audience is old (consuming less meat)… too trendy? Concept too focused? Can we count on Irony?
• Theme nights/hooks: Camel-toe Tuesday, 10% guy liner discount, signature Cherry Pie, Butcher calander, “Stuff It”-fashion/sausage making class.

 

As promised, a bombshell of news! Are these for real or just the musings of genius? I don’t know the answer, but I do know this: Don’t bet against Huffman. If he can dream it, he can do it. And next summer, when you’re downing tube steak at Otter’s sausagefest remember: you heard it here first.

Leather Storrs is an Oregon native who has served 20 years in professional kitchens. He owns a piece of two area restaurants: Noble rot and nobleoni at Oregon College of Art and Craft, where he yells and waves arms. He quietly admits to having been a newspaper critic in Austin, Texas and Portland.  

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