The Scarlet Letters: Unfriending Your Un-Boyfriend and Adult Friend Finder

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

In this week’s letters, we address the gigantic question of whether to unfriend an ex, and what to do when you’re not interested in sex, with anyone, ever again...and you’re married. Questions, comments? Write us at [email protected].

Should I un-friend my un-boyfriend?

Dear Scarlets,

I need the answer to a very important question: To Unfriend or NOT to Unfriend?

I dated a man for 11 months—a friend of friends, so we share many social media "friends." He broke up with me four months ago, and I was surprised and hurt. He didn't think we were compatible, but I was in love.

Now, even though it hurts me pretty much every time, I can't stop myself from visiting his facebook page and Twitter feed to see what he's up to. Everything hurts - that he's going to our favorite restaurant without me, that he's going to drinks with our mutual friends...I cried when he posted about Game of Thrones, for god's sake. And there was a picture of a woman sitting next to him in a friend’s post. Who the hell is she? And why didn't my friend tell me about her?

I'm spinning out.

I think I know what you're going to tell me, but I feel like if I unfriend him, that will keep us from having any sort of relationship in the future, and I'd like to leave that door open.

Help me.

Signed,

Get Me Offa This Thing

Dear Get Me Off,

Yeah, you know what we're gonna say.

UNFRIEND. IMMEDIATELY.

You can do this in a surprisingly friendly way, actually. Send him an email that you respectfully request he doesn't reply to. The email should state that you do still consider him a friend, but you have to unfriend him to give yourself some emotional space because he keeps showing up in your feed (you can even make a joke about the Game of Thrones post just to sound breezy and totally un-ruffled!).

Can you just "unfollow" his posts without unfriending him? Of course you can't. We're not stupid, Get Me Off. We know that for two days, you'll be able to hold off, but as soon as you see a post from one of your mutual friends, you'll be reminded of him and you'll say, "Gosh, I wonder how he's doing? I hope he's not sick. I BETTER CHECK HIS PAGE TO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT DYING." And there you'll be, crying because he watched True Detective without you, even though you know the new season isn't even CLOSE to as good as the first one.

In fact, this is going to piss off a lot Schmoopies out there (Schmoopies are what we call those couples on Facebook who can't stop posting about their AMAZING relationships), but we believe Facebook should be a virtually relationship-free zone.

Have you ever posted how blissfully happy you were with someone, only to find yourself utterly humiliated and scrubbing all evidence of him from your timeline because he shagged a waitress in the bathroom at Outback Steakhouse while you blithely forked down a Bloomin' Onion? Or, conversely, have you ever posted "Good riddance to bad cunnilingus!" after a late Saturday-night breakup, only to have to retract that statement at every ensuing dinner party after you get back together? ("No, he's actually really good at it, I was just mad," and "Of COURSE he knows where the little man in the boat is...please stop drawing diagrams, Dad.")

We know it's hard—facebook has given the recently-broken-up-with what they’ve wanted since the beginning of time: a view into the life of the breaker-upper. What is he doing? Who is he with? Does he miss me? And does he still have my Joni Mitchell CD that he claimed to hate?

But remember, in the same way Facebook doesn’t truly indicate what the relationships of Schmoopies look like on the inside, it doesn’t indicate what your ex’s life looks like, post-you.

Facebook might as well be called Façade-book, as no one, including your ex, posts what they’re really thinking when that infernal box asks, “What’s on your mind?”:

I might be bi.

I can never tell my husband that I miss my ex-boyfriend every single day.

Does anyone know what milky discharge means?

I think I love my dog more than my girlfriend.

I was a terrible mother today.

I miss my super skanky phase.

There are aspects of technology that we never realized would be terrible for us, and this is one of them. When you break up with someone, there’s a reason you don’t see them or any evidence of them for a while: your heart and mind need to adjust to not having them in your life every day. And each time you see their picture, or get an update on what they’re doing, you probably feel it in your chest—it jumps a little with a combination of familiarity and hope like a hit of digital dopamine, followed immediately by that singular grief that only the loss of love brings.

And the scar that was THIS CLOSE to healing is raw once again.

Thanks a lot, Facebook. You dick.

Your friends aren’t telling you about the new woman in your ex's life because they know what digital algorithms don't: that knowing will only break your heart.

You said it yourself: everything hurts. So stop hurting yourself.

Unfriend. With love.

Love,

The Scarlets

Giving him permission

Dear Scarlets,

I don’t want to have sex anymore. Ever. It’s not a problem for me, but my husband is very unhappy.

We’ve been married for 17 years and had sex regularly for about two of them. Over the years my husband has tried everything to sex me up -- this isn’t his fault. A few years ago I told him I didn’t want to do it ever again, no discussion, the end. He didn’t argue and hasn’t bothered me since, but he’s clearly miserable.

We continue to sleep in the same bed, but it’s like we’re roommates who don’t like each other very much. We have kids to raise, and he grew up Catholic so divorce is not an option for him.

I don’t feel like I need to be fixed. I’m ok with myself. What I want is to fix his situation. I want him to get laid so he’ll be happier and quit being so grumpy at home.

I’ve thought about it and decided that I’m ok with him having sex with someone else. There are caveats, of course. No one, including me, can ever know a thing about it. He can’t fall in love with her. It can’t be someone we know socially. I never, ever want to talk to her or see her or know about her.

How do I let him know that sex is an option for him, just not with me? And how do I get the nuns in his head to shut up long enough for him to realize he’s getting a a good offer?

Thanks for your help, Scarlets.

Love,

Over It

Dear Over It,

You sound firm and clear about your decision to live sex-free, and we will respect that the way we respect anyone’s sexual preferences. We do feel sad for your husband, though. He did not sign on for celibacy.

We support your offer. It is a reasonable solution to a difficult problem, and we admire you for proposing it.

Your letter leads us to believe that communication between the two of you isn’t so good, and that will have to change -- at least temporarily -- for you to make your offer. We suggest having this conversation at home, in the bedroom. You do not want to discuss a matter so fraught in a crowded restaurant or on a family vacation. It needs time, in a safe and private place.

Let your husband know that you would like him to be happier. Thank him for the ways he has tried to improve your sex life, and let him know that your lack of desire applies across the boards -- it’s not just him you don’t want but sex in general. Please let him know you don’t masturbate. It may help him to accept your position to learn that you are sex-free to the core, and not in relation to him or anybody/anything else.

Make your offer and state your terms clearly. Keep in mind that it is an offer, not an order. You have no control over your husband’s actions. He may simply refuse at first, and that’s ok. Let him know the offer stands.

If he wants to discuss, go with it. You have just cracked his worldview open -- let him talk. Listen carefully and respond thoughtfully. Your offer significantly changes the dynamics of your relationship.

It’s possible he will staunchly refuse and then take your advice without ever telling you -- you did say you didn’t want to know. If he starts to be happier, we hope you will be, too, and not feel the need to investigate why.

If he never ventures out of his sexless marriage, the decision and responsibility will be his alone. And maybe the nuns’. But we hope that doesn’t happen. We hope he gets out there and gets laid. We’d recommend Ashley Madison.com but they are having some issues. AdultFriendFinder.com may be a better choice for now.

Good luck finding your husband a mistress!

Much love,

The Scarlets

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