The Scarlet Letters: How to Get Your Wife to Put Her iPad Down and Do It

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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

Just one letter this week, from a man whose wife brings her iPad to bed with her every night, essentially technology-blocking him. How should he deal with it? We have some thoughts.

Dear Scarlets,

Every night, my wife and I get into bed, and she sits there with her iPad on Facebook, going from article to article, cat video to dog video, angry rant to father-daughter dance-off.

She keeps her books on that thing and she claims to be "reading," but I can see what she's doing.

When it's finally time to shut off the light, she's so annoyed with whatever political stuff she's been reading, or all cuted out by some cat attacking a goat that there's no way I can get her in the mood.

How do I get her to put down the iPad and pick up my balls? They're pretty light and almost as portable, but you can't play videos on them. Yet.

Help me out here!

Signed,

I Wish I Was an iPad

Dear IWIWAI,

We believe that in a perfect world, there are only two things that happen in bed: sleeping and fucking.

Unfortunately, there's almost nothing more dreamy than curling up in bed with a book, so we have to allow books in the bedroom.

But that's IT.

What your wife needs to know is that reading her iPad right before bed is pretty much the absolute worst thing she can possibly do for her sleep cycle.

A lot of research has revealed that when our retinas sense light, it effs up our circadian rhythms and keeps us from falling asleep at the appropriate time. Additionally, the blue light that our computers emit prevents the release of melatonin, a hormone usually released a couple hours before bedtime to get our bodies ready for sleep. Blue light apparently annoys the crap out of the pineal gland, which is the gland that releases the hormone, and when it's around the gland folds it arms, sticks its nose in the air and refuses to produce. This makes your wife a lot more likely to lie in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what the hell she's doing with her life and why she quit ballet in 7th grade instead of sleeping.

We mention this as a way that you might convince her to keep all electronic devices (except paperwhite readers) out of the bedroom. You appearing to care about her health could be pretty hot.

And as long as we've mentioned studies, AVG Technologies did one in 2013 that showed that one way technology is killing intimacy is that people become so enraptured with their mobile device that they essentially forget their partner is in the room. The time they would've used to ravage each other is being sucked up by videos of skateboarders getting their testicles flattened on hand rails and your cousin's racist status updates.

The study claimed that 57% of American women chose their phones over sex. Now, I assume for most women, if this choice was put to them in theory, i.e. "If you could look at your phone for 20 minutes, or have sex for 20 minutes, which would you choose?," they would choose sex. But it's VERY hard/borderline impossible to ignore a phone when it's just sitting right in front of you, begging to be looked at.

Just another reason to keep technology out of the bedroom altogether.

All that being said, we suppose the most important question here is, does your wife enjoy sex with you? Are you doing everything you can to make her happy in that arena?

This might be a terrifying question (we sort of shiver a little when we think of asking it), but what if you just flat out asked her, "Am I doing everything you want?" And if she shyly says "Yes," say, "Are you sure? Are you sure there isn't anything you've always wanted me to do, but never asked? Because I'll do it. I'll do it because I want to make you happy. And by 'happy,' I mean I want to make you have an orgasm the likes of which the world has never seen. I want to make you have an orgasm that makes our neighbors call the police because they think you're being murdered. I want to make you have an orgasm that causes you to dig your fingers so deep into me that we have to go to the emergency room to get all five french tips removed from my back. I want to make you have an orgasm so earth-shattering that you become addicted to it, calling me at work in the middle of the day when you need a fix and then leaving me, spent and weak, with only enough energy to raise my head to kiss you as you leave for Zumba or that weird martial art thing I can't pronounce. Can I do that for you?"

That might get her to put her iPad down.

Love,

The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.

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