The Scarlet Letters: Fantasy vs. Reality

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Courtenay Hameister, GoLocalPDX Contributor

This week’s column addresses two readers who have discovered something about their partners’ predilections, and they’re not sure if they like them. What would you do? Let us know by commenting or writing us at [email protected].

Dear Scarlets,

My wife has sex toys. I know about them, sometimes we use them during sex, mostly she uses them alone. All good.

A few days ago she brought home a new one. She showed it to me but said she wanted to “break it in alone” before she brought it to bed with us.

Oh my god. The thing is huge. It is so much fatter than my package that I don’t even know how it could fit inside her.

I know babies come through there and everything, but we don’t have kids. I have occasionally heard oblique references to the fact that women are, um, less tight after giving birth, so I’m wondering if this new toy is going to stretch out my wife. I like her the way she is now.

I’m also worried that she bought Mr. Girthy because she finds my penis to be too small and inadequate to do the job. I’m pretty well educated about sex since it’s my favorite hobby, and I read your column so I know that my piece isn’t the number one source of her sexual pleasure. However, I did harbor illusions that she liked doing me and found my penis to be somewhat enjoyable.

Am I wrong? Has she spent the nine years of our marriage wishing for more, better, thicker than me? Is my penis little?

I know you both socially so I’m using the anonymizer to send this and I hope I can act natural the next time I see you. I would die if you knew it was me.

Your anonymous friend,

Scared of Toy

Dear SOT,

Well, now we’re going to be constantly checking out the package of every man we know, unable to concentrate on whatever sports analogies they’re making, wondering if they’re you. Thanks a lot, SOT.

We can't be sure if your penis is little unless you send us a pic, and we've already expressed our disdain for them, so we’re trapped in what we’ll call a Crotch-22 here. But while we can’t say definitively whether you’re poorly endowed, we can say that if you've been satisfying your wife regularly, at the very least, you’re not too little for her. And that’s all that counts, right?

We’ll answer your question about whether this fantasy dick means your wife doesn’t like doing you with a few questions of our own: When you fantasize while having sex with your wife, is it about women with breasts the exact same size as hers? Are their vaginas carbon copies of hers? When they moan, does her voice come out of their pouty, porn star lips?

OF COURSE NOT.

The reason we fantasize about other people during sex is that eventually sex with the same partner loses a bit of its luster—we’re not immediately turned on by just a kiss from them, or an accidental touch of the arm. We need help. And, according to some surveys, the number one way couples get that help during sex is to fantasize that they're doing it with other people. Or, in your wife’s case, giant, borderline-terrifying penises.

It could also be that your wife simply needs more vaginal stimulation than she's been getting, which might mean bringing this toy into play or seeing if more fingers might do the trick.

As to your question about whether it will stretch her out—based on our research, it appears that using a thick dildo a couple times a week probably won't make any significant changes in her tightness, but we did read a couple horror stories about women who had continued to up the ante in the dildo department over the course of years and their vaginas paid the price.

Vaginas are extremely elastic, as we all know, because of the whole passing-a-bowling-ball-sized-head-through-them thing, but if you think of that pair of lucky underwear you've had since the Psychedelic Furs concert in '87, you know that even elastic has its limits when tested.

Unfortunately, age does fatigue muscles, so if she's over 40, as long as she's doing her kegels regularly, everything should spring back into place. (If she wants to put some extra oomph in her kegels, she can try ben-wa balls or Betty's Barbell, which will have her vagina doing an impressive clean and jerk in no time.)

Unless you think your wife is using this dildo constantly without your knowledge, we wouldn’t bring it up. Unless it’s to ask her if she wants you to use it on her, that is. That would be hot.

Good luck with Girthy!

~The Scarlets

Dear Scarlets,

My husband and I have a decent sex life—it could be a lot better, but we’re not miserable or anything. I never really considered it a problem until recently.

Last week, I discovered some pretty hardcore porn in his browser history. It’s women being humiliated, having sex with multiple partners and being tied up with rope and tape.

I’ve never been interested in having any of that done to me, and it frankly scares me that that’s what turns him on. Should I be worried that he’s going to hurt me?

He’s always been pretty gentle with me sexually, but there is the occasional time when he’ll spank me and use dirty talk, which gets him really hot and a little aggro-seeming. I haven’t minded it before, but now I’m not sure where it’s leading.

What should I do?

~Not a Porn Fan

Dear NoPo,

That must have been quite a shock! It's a never-ending source of wonder to us that people can be so close to each other yet keep such great big secrets. We all do it. Humans are fascinating.

To put your mind at ease, we don’t believe your husband's taste in porn puts you in any danger. You told us he’s usually pretty gentle, and we don’t think he’s a violent offender waiting for the right moment to duct tape you to a chair. He just likes porn.

You mention that you are not interested in engaging in the kind of activity in your husband’s hard-core porn history. Since your husband hasn’t raised this issue with you it’s entirely possible that he doesn’t want to involve you, either. It seems he knows the difference between fantasy and reality, and is choosing to keep his fantasy life in his head and to himself, at least for now.

Now, let’s talk about how you “discovered” this porn. Were you snooping? If so, then perhaps you should keep your findings to yourself. Good fences can make good marriages.

On the other hand, did you honestly stumble upon the browser history? Was it obvious enough to make you think your husband wants to be discovered?

He likes what he likes but he doesn't want to tell you about it. Maybe he's ashamed of his predilection. Maybe he's afraid of your reaction. Maybe he likes having a secret. Whatever the reason, he hasn't brought this particular kink to light. But that doesn’t mean he’s completely against the idea.

That being said, let’s discuss the fact that your husband occasionally spanks and talks dirty to you -- “which gets him really hot.” You say you don’t mind it. Are you willing to explore it a little more? It’s possible that some spelunking in that vein could heat up your mediocre sex life. And even if that vein doesn’t work, you will have opened a channel of communication about sex. Maybe next you’ll share one of your secrets. It could happen.

But only if you want to. Do you want to know more about your husband’s tastes and how they mesh with yours, or would you rather let him have his secret and keep your own? How you proceed is up to you.

We support you either way.

Much love,

The Scarlets

~The Scarlets

You’ve just read The Scarlet Letters, a sex and relationship column written by two redheads on a mission to eradicate slut shaming, uninspired oral sex, and the myth of “normal.” Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. (Want your email address anonymized? Try Anonymouse here, or any number of other email anonymizers on the webernets!)

The Scarlets:

Allison Picard had a long career in publishing before she got antsy and divorced, and then one in event planning before she got tired of working. Now that she's retired she can turn all her attention to sorting out your sex life. Other issues, proposals, invitations? Write to [email protected].

Courtenay Hameister is the Head Writer and Co-Producer of Live Wire Radio, a syndicated radio variety show distributed by Public Radio International. She is currently working on a book that will be released through Audible.com in 2015. Follow Courtenay on Twitter at @wisenheimer.