The Scarlet Letters: Ten Secrets for Sexier Sex

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Tuesday, October 06, 2015

GoLocalPDX Love & Sex Advice Team, 'The Scarlets'

This week’s column is for everybody who wrote to us, chatted us up at a party, sent us a psychic message, or just wondered if they should. We heard you.

“Scarlets,” you said, maybe after seven whiskeys and/or half a cheesecake, “How can I have better sex?”

We love this question and we love you for asking it because if there’s one thing we want for you it’s better sex. No matter how good your sex life is right now, we’ll always be willing to ratchet it up a notch.

Here’s a list of things to fan your flame.

Ten Scarlet Secrets for Sexier Sex

1. Groom. Don’t make us explain. Just raise your game.

2. Ask. How does this feel? What if I do this? What’s your least favorite thing I do? What’s your favorite? Who’s that guy in our bed? Can I get him a cold drink? Of course, asking won’t help unless you listen to the answers and incorporate the new information. So do that. A lot.

3. Tell. Say what you like and need. This is an especially important message for women, who are often “pleasers,” but not when it comes to themselves. We are all more likely to get the things we want if we let others know what those things are. So if you are frustrated sexually, but you haven’t let your lover know what you like and how you like it, the finger of blame should be firmly pointed at your own damn self.

4. Stop with the switching up of positions. Ok, so you’re an acrobat in the sack. Good for you, you read the Kama Sutra. Enough already. When you find something that works, stick with it until it doesn’t. [NOTE: This message is only for rampant position-switchers and show-offs. If you’re a person for whom the sex NEVER changes and has become stagnant, then see #9. Get a trapeze, for god’s sake, Whatever it takes.]

5. Enjoy the journey. Sexy time doesn’t have to include everything, every time. You know what we mean. Take pleasure in all of it. Don’t rush past the foreplay and don’t pout if the skin time doesn’t lead to other activities.

6. Make a place for it. Change the sheets. Clean the bedroom. Lower the blinds and light some candles. Buy some massage oil that’s not likely to stain the aforementioned clean sheets (fractionated coconut oil is recommended). Think pleasure palace and not fraternity house. Your partner will notice that you made an effort. Unless they’re a narcissist, in which case, why are you sleeping with them?

7. Slow down. Quickies have their own entry in the sex encyclopedia, and they can be very exciting – but not always. Set aside some time so you don’t feel rushed or pressured by the impending next appointment. Let your mind and body relax.

8. Pace yourself. Start too late in the day and everybody’s tired. Lazy nap sex can be good but exhausted people just want to sleep. Start too far into the festivities and everybody’s drunk. (Tipsy sex can be wonderful, but “too drunk to fuck” is not.) In the same way you made a place, make time.

9. Explore. Be open to the new. Be willing to shift perspective. Be enthusiastic about learning. Refuse to surrender to the tyranny of the usual. Get out of your sex rut before it’s too late. Better yet, don’t get into one, because they’re hell to climb out of.

10. Have fun. Really. We mean it. It’s not that serious. Sex invites laughter because it’s so undignified. You have to get into all kinds of graceless poses and awkward positions. Bodily fluids abound. Splooshing and smacking and sucking sounds are made, and so are unflattering facial expressions. There’s moaning and heavy breathing and yelling. Overall, sex is scandalously indelicate – and that’s freeing. We all look silly when we’re fucking, so join the party.

Bonus tip: Nike is still right. Your sex isn’t going to have itself. Don’t wait for some magical right time. Just start. Now. From exactly where you are. Go forth and frolic, lovers. Life is short.

We hope this list brings you both pleasure and joy. And some seriously hot activity time.

Love and lust,

The Scarlets

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