slides: Mum’s the Word: How to Stop Instantly Rewarding Your Toddler

Friday, June 19, 2015

Briauna Skye McKizzie, GoLocalPDX Contributor

Haven’t you ever heard a parent say to their child, “Sit through your brother’s dance recital and afterwards…. we’ll get ice cream?”

My daughter began the potty training process a little later than I was expecting.

As a paranoid mother who feared I had birthed the one child who would still be in diapers in college, I tried many different things to get her to potty in the toilet.

Relying heavily on the reward system, I found myself offering her stickers, ice cream, KITTENS, and even a vacation on a pirate ship if only she would use the potty.

After a few months, though, I relaxed. Not surprisingly, as soon as I backed off, Lia began to whisper in my ear, “I need to go potty."

With joy, I moonwalked with her down the hallway, plopped her down on the potty, and handed her a small (fine it was big) piece of candy as her reward.

I’m not the only parent who uses the reward system, and I’m also not the only parent who uses the reward system for things other than a properly disposed of bowel movement.

Haven’t you ever heard a parent say to their child, “Sit through your brother’s dance recital and afterwards…. we’ll get ice cream?”

But what happens when our kids are no longer in diapers and out of control emotionally?

What happens when they begin to transition emotionally and can handle the bitter truth that eventually people behave well just because it feels good to do good things and not because there’s a possible lollipop in their future.

Okay, maybe some people only behave because The Green Mile did a pretty outstanding job of making prison look like a terrible time…but I like to think it’s because most people just want to be good.

Many parents have asked these questions in Facebook Statuses, Tweets, or articles. Indeed, we have all run into the confusing problem of having our Apple product troubleshooting toddlers ask their parent for an ice cream cone in exchange for peeing in a large porcelain bowl.

“What’s my reward?” Lia asks.

“You, my dear, get the satisfaction of having dry pants.”

Can I say that?

Well, I did once. Since it did not go over so well, I began to do some research and experimenting. So here are a few tips on things to remember while cutting back on or eliminating the reward system.

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Related Slideshow: Mum’s the Word: How to Stop Instantly Rewarding Your Toddler

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1. Gage whether or not your child is able to appreciate delayed gratification rather than immediate.

Having a reward system isn’t always bad since even adults also experience situations where many hours of hard work sometimes results in pretty nice pay offs.

When our rewards are based off an extended period of hard work or “good behavior," though, we learn the value of persistence and focus rather than just the value of instant pleasure which is sometimes (not always) what the typical “do this and get this afterwards” reward system can lead to.

If you don’t want to raise a little hedonist, then consider delaying the reward until the end of the week.

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2. Scale back on the frequency of the treats and talk to them about why you’re scaling back in order to set their expectations. In PBS’ article “Should You Give Kids Rewards," Grace Hwang Lynch wrote,” “If you have been using a rewards system and decide it's not right for your family, hold a family meeting and explain to your kids that things can work differently around the house.” Communicating with our children helps children understand that we are making decisions for the greater good and not just "because I said so.”

Photo Credit: Briauna Skye McKizzie (Image Cropped)

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3. Practice what you preach. Ask yourself, “Do I do the same thing as Gertrude Jr. here? Am I working hard because it’s good to do things well and efficiently? Or am I just working hard so my boss will let me cut out early the day before July 4th?”

I've found that evaluating my own actions and motivations results in my being increasingly empathetic with my daughter.

The more empathy I have results in the more patience I have when it comes to teaching her new habits or behaviors. This doesn’t necessarily solve the problem of the entitled mindset of my daughter. However, it does solve my issue of responding out of impatience and annoyance when she's begging for gold stars.