Ask A Bartender: Why Didn’t You Cut Me Off Last Night?

Friday, April 24, 2015

Kai Soderberg, GoLocalPDX Contributor

Sometimes you need to be your own alcohol monitor.

One of the many harsh realities we face in the world is that pleasant people often have it rough. Case in point, people that don’t like to make a scene while drinking are less likely to get cut off and therefore more prone to spend all their money, hang out longer than they should and develop cirrhosis of the liver quicker than their more belligerent counterparts. Should the bartender cut you off for overtipping? While carelessness with money is a recognized sign of intoxication, it likely will not be the first one your bartender will call you on.

Every bar is different but every bartender that has been working long enough has at least once had to put making cocktails on the back burner while they chaperone guests. As unpleasant as it is, it’s a necessary skill to have, and one that I have trouble with myself. I waste a lot of time wondering why people are not more reasonable than they are. I realize the futility in this, though, and am still willing to come to work everyday with the knowledge that, yes, I will probably run into somebody that is less than pleasant. We all do. That is why it is such a relief to deal with people who are gracious and affable and operate with tact. I give them more wiggle room than I do other guests whose behavior dictates that I look after them the whole time they are a guest in the bar.

Sometimes, though, when I see a good person destroying themselves, I find it necessary to intervene. Since I can’t be everybody’s bartender, I offer this slightly officious column as a reminder, to myself as much as others, that the world doesn’t need you as much as you need it. Sometimes you need to be your own alcohol monitor.

It’s imperative to recognize signs both in the immediate and the long term that you have been having too much fun. In order to do this, set goals. Without goals, you don’t know what it is you’re losing a grip on.

Maybe your goal is to spend no more than a certain amount of money, have no more than a certain amount of drinks. I won’t pretend to know how much money you have or how much damage your liver can take, so set the goals yourself. But remember them.

Your goals don’t have to be restrictive. If your goals include catching up with an old friend or getting some work done in a quiet bar, when you are finished, the need to continue might not be as strong.

Your longer term goals are your own business. But what most of them have in common is that they involve other people. This means that you need to take charge of your self so that you can inspire the necessary amount of loyalty for all your endeavors. If you can see yourself deteriorate, chances are others can too. Unless your goal is to attract pity, follow these simple steps:

1. Keep good hygiene. What more is there to say about this? Shower and shave and brush your teeth. The small things are the important things.

2. Keep a clean house. The state of your house is an honest reflection of your mental state.

3. Eat a vegetable.

4. Actually like to do the thing you say you like to do when at a bar.

5. Call your mother.

6. Either make eye contact and smile at strangers or don’t. Avoid doing just one and not the other.

7. Sit up straight and speak loudly and clearly.

8. Save a little bit of money for something that you want to do. Think about what you want to do everyday.

9. Be good to people you like. Be good to people you don’t like.

10. Learn something.

Related Slideshow: 6 Hangover Cures from Top Portland Bartenders

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#6

Hair O' the Dog.

Jeff Seymour, Interurban (4057 N Mississippi):

"[W]hen the day after can be wasted ... the only cure is to jump back on the train and deal with my hangover the next day. If it's a weekend, I'll head to Radar for a killer brunch and 2 or 3 mimosas and an Irish coffee for dessert. Then it's time to find all the rosé. It can be still or sparkling, I really don't discriminate. A few bottles later I'm right as rain."

You might be prolonging--and amplifying--the inevitable, but Jeff's words offer a tempting solution to a New Year's Day downer. Along with some savory eats, alcohol's beautiful, empty calories level out our post-binge blood sugar crash. Still, you can run but you can't hide--you'll do well to plan for a more permanent salve.

And remember, the folks serving you on a national holiday might well be feeling the hurt themselves. Whether or not the mimosas are bottomless, your bartender's meager savings are not. So tip well and stay happy!

For your hangover-numbing relief, Interurban opens at 3 pm New Year's Day. The rosé will be flowing.

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#5

Water, Protein, Water. Repeat.

Jordan Felix, Multnomah Whiskey Library (1124 SW Alder):

"My hangover cure often goes in 3 steps:

1) San Pellegrino Sparkling BIG bottle & a Vita Coco coconut water. Both tend not to fail me but if they do, a Campari & soda with no citrus helps immensely.

2) Grab a Steak & Egg sandwich from Meat Cheese Bread on SE 14th & Stark. I don't know how they do it, but this sandwich is a miracle.

3) A litre of water and a Boylan's ginger ale. It's all about hydration!"

Time-honored advice for a reason--alcohol is well-documented to cause dehydration. And, while many pro drinkers swear by greasy carbs the next day, protein--especially the amino acid cysteine--may hold the key to replenishing your sapped reserves.

So drink and eat up, Portlandians, and by that we mean agua and steak. And if you're vegan--well, you can still have a protein shake.

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#4

Burn, Baby, Burn.

Lucas Plant, Barlow (737 SW Salmon):

"My hangover cure is heading to Minizo, in the food carts on Mississippi next to Prost. Try the Shoyu Ramen and ask Ken to go all in--his kimchi and garlic paste will sweat out last night's bad decisions, and get you ready for round two."

Savvy bartender at Barlow and co-founder of Bull in China--Portland's premier craft barware shop and recent darling of the NY Times--Luke knows how to spice things up on either side of an epic night out.

You may want to avoid extreme remedies like habaneros or the infamous ghost chili pepper--not to mention Eeyore plushies and a swift kick in the nuts (Seriously, a pretty decent Youtube vid that gets GREAT around 2:30--a hangover helper in itself).

But fermented foods like kimchi replenish your body's "good" bacteria, and garlic, high in the amino acid cysteine, cleanses your rotting gut of all the debris.

No stranger to herbal digestifs--or professionally perfect timing--Luke added, "Totally forgot. After the ramen, a Fernet seals the deal!" Booze out. Booze in. Repeat.

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#3

Grease the Wheels.

Jesse Leo, Nightlight Lounge (2100 SE Clinton):

"Grease, man. Something that'll make me tired. Gravy! You been to Tabor Tavern? They have a breakfast sandwich called the rev, and it will--it'll blow your mind. Crispy fried chicken, bomb-ass pepper gravy, cheese--it's amaaaazing."

While not exactly supported by science--greasy food can clog up an already-taxed liver, and deliver few of the nutrients your body actually needs--Jesse's folk wisdom resonates with what's become a solidified part of Portland's culinary canon. At the very least, a rich, heavy breakfast will stick to the ribs, putting you--and those sudden flashes of last night's drunk texting--right back to bed.

While Jesse can be found most Saturday nights happily spinning up Nightlight's seasonally-rotating specialty cocktails, you don't have to wait for the cure: Nightlight is offering up a special New Year's Day brunch from noon to 3--moderately priced, adults-only (mmmimosas!), and exceptionally crafted. Sure, there're vegan options, but c'mon. You know you want gravy.

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#2

Potassium! Okay, and Maybe a Shot.

Daniel Osborne, Teardrop Lounge (1015 NW Everett):

"For summertime, Teardrop's Piña Colada is all fresh ingredients. Coconut cream, pineapple juice, pineapple gomme. A very good source of potassium!"

But Ptown's chilly winters call for something slightly more...bold.

"My go-to tequila is Olmeca Altos Blanco. It's a very good source of alcohol!"

As for Piña Coladas, I have to admit, as a former bartender, that no matter where I worked, the blender was somehow always broken...just right now...just for you. It's a safe bet that Daniel and the staff at Teardrop are a tad more hospitable.

In contrast to the Piña Colada's sweet, creamy blanket, tequila is not for the faint-of-heart--nor the faint-of-gag-reflex. But it remains, for the faithful, an unstoppable cure--not, we might argue, just for hangovers, but for modern guilt, deep insecurities, and those graceful good manners your friends thought you had. Proceed with caution, young Jedi.

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#1

The Big O.

"Orgasms! I'm being serious. It creates blood flow and oxygen intake."

This from Beckaly Franks of Clyde Common (1014 SW Stark), whose attractive bar staff and inventive cocktails make for a seductive experience on their own.

While we might not all be so lucky as to have, um, help with this cure, Beckaly's observations are right on point. A recent study of migraine sufferers by German neurologists found that a majority found relief through sex, with many experiencing "moderate to complete" alleviation of the monster headaches.

Men, too, experience increased brain activity during orgasm. One study even suggested the effects are similar to heroin, which makes sense to those who've experienced major post-coital stupor right after the big moment.

Ah, well. Naptime is good for hangovers, too, right?